I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My Sexting was not on an AP level
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
