Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
