I think I won the penis lottery.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
