Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm like, not good at living.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize