today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize