I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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