Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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