You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
