I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
