I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
