don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
