i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
