Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
