The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
