Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Let's paint friendship bongs
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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