All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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