I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
