How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
That was an excessively violent trivia night
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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