This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize