I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
