Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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