I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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