If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is my gift to your gina
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
