easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
