So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
