hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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