I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
