My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
