I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize