I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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