Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
