Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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