its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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