i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
