Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
