hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
