My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize