There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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