i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Life is so much better after having sex.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
