How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
