Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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