Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
