Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
