Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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