2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
