I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
