he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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