i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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