He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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