I didn't shave. On purpose
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
