when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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