i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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