what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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