someone threw a dead crab at me
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
