You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
