people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
