I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
